Let's Talk about Blame

Blame

Blame is a concept of great interest from both emotional and cognitive perspectives.  In the following paragraphs, the writer will examine blame as an emotional concept and highlight certain aspects of blame to raise awareness of the mental and emotional effects of blame.

What is blame:

Traditionally, blame is defined as the act of “…assigning responsibility for fault or wrong.”  However, from an emotional perspective, blame is a cognitive action and involves assigning responsibility for how we think, feel, and behave to other people. And typically includes negative self-talk and the refusal to take responsibility for the fallout often associated with one’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Now that you know what blame means from an emotional standpoint, let’s go deeper.

Effects of Blame:

All Emotions have a residue; it is part of their character.  Think of residue as you would an odor.  Even when someone has left the room, you can still smell their perfume, or if you are unfortunate, their body odor.  For example, the residue associated with sadness results in fatigue, isolation, disengagement, and an overall negative outlook.   Such a residue makes it challenging to recognize the positive and can even push others away (exactly opposite of what is needed) when sadness takes hold.

Like emotions, blame has a residue, and over time, if left unrecognized, the residue blame leaves behind results in emotional immaturity, negative thinking, the perpetuation of unproductive behaviors, and even codependency.   Blame gives implicit permission for unforgiveness and resentment to take hold and remain despite the negative repercussions associated with both.

Application Scenario:

A wife says, “No…” to her husband’s request to be intimate.  This is the second time in a week he has been told, “No”.  He truly loves and cares for her and doesn’t do much in that moment but sigh and respectfully express his disappointment.  His wife goes to bed, and he heads to his mancave.     Although he says nothing in the moment, in his mind, he is frustrated with his wife and feels rejected and unwanted by her.

Background: The husband has a history of struggling with pornography and indulging in the attention of other women on social media.   So much so that at one point his marriage was at risk of divorce. While upstairs, and before he realizes it, he reverts to old habits.  He knows that he is breaking promises he made to his wife and feels guilty about his lustful thoughts and lack of self-control.   And yet, at the same time, he blames his wife for his behavior and how he is feeling in this moment.    The husband’s self-talk sounds something like this:

“If she had said yes, I wouldn’t have to look at porn in the first place.”

“If she would just give me some attention, I wouldn’t have to seek out other women online.”    

“I have needs that she’s not taking care of, and I deserve better.”

“At least I am not cheating, I am only watching and texting.”

Hopefully, given the self-talk examples, the residue blame left is obvious, but to add a fine point to this information, we will go deeper.

We all have flaws.  Sometimes we say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and even react the wrong way.  This is part of being human.  But our ego and pride pave the way, making it convenient to allow excuses to become reasons, which we then use to justify flawed actions.  This especially happens when said actions fall short of our purpose, stated intentions, promises made, and or the values we try to abide by.

Taking a closer look at the scenario in the previous paragraphs, can you see the pattern?  Can you see how the husband started with good intentions?  However, as he gets into his feelings, namely feeling unwanted and rejected, he stumbles.

Blame influences thinking:

Most people can empathize with rejection.  Afterall, we are told “No.” by others quite a lot in life.  Friends tell us “No”. Supervisors tell us “No”.   Parents may not want to admit it, but even children tell us “No”.  And yet, somehow in these instances, we manage not to tie “No” to actions, feelings, or behaviors that are unproductive.  In most cases, we accept, adjust, or adapt to hearing no from coworkers, friends, etc.  We even reason that children are developing, which allows for patience and grace.

In our scenario, the writer left out something that the husband was aware of the entire time.  His wife says, “I love you”- a lot.  She says, “I love you” in the morning before they part, and throughout the day when they talk and text to each other.   Even that night, she said, “I love you” as he departed to his mancave.  She encourages him to exercise and prepares healthy meals; his doctor has been on him regarding his weight.   There are so many things she does that demonstrate love, care, and support.  But, in that moment, his feelings kept him from reflecting on those facts.  Can you see how blame allows someone to cosign what they are feeling?  Do you see how thinking can become skewed and selective?

Regarding his behaviors, the husband in our scenario has intense memories of what pornography and other compulsions related to social media cost him.  While reconciling, he and his wife learned in couples therapy that emotional cheating and lustful thoughts can have the same negative impact on trust, self-esteem, and sense of security, or lack thereof, for couples.  He knew when he engaged in those activities again, how hurt his wife would be by his actions and compulsions.  Here, blame’s other characteristics begin to show up.  Namely, as a convenient excuse we use as a reason for our actions.   If the wife’s rejection caused the husband to indulge in those behaviors, then the husband does not have to confront his lack of self-discipline during that moment.

Assumption of no control:

Lastly, when we blame, there is a subtle but often welcomed notion of zero control.  This aspect of blame allows room for the convenient and self-serving positions of impotency, incapability, and ignorance.  FYI, we always have a measure of control.  You control how you react to situations.  However, this is a very uncomfortable fact and a hard truth to live up to.  It is uncomfortable because we don’t always react to situations in a measured and productive manner.

In our scenario, the husband went to his mancave feeling a certain way.  Neither love, commitment, lessons learned, nor guilt or shame were on his mind.  However, before he engaged in those activities, it was within his control to remember and reflect on the aforementioned.   Just as much as his ability to get online was.  Secondly, we control what we say, even when it comes to our self-talk.  In our scenario, the husband's self-talk was favorable to him feeling rejected and unwanted.  But looking at the bigger picture, he could have said any one of the following:

“My wife loves me, she not only says she loves me, but demonstrates it with support and encouragement, keeping me accountable regarding my health and exercise.”

“I love my wife too much to repeat the same mistakes again.”

“I control what I view and do online, no one else.”

“Let me put this phone down and get back downstairs before I do something regrettable.”

Feel free to use this information for personal growth and development.  As a licensed clinician, Travis Williams specializes in addressing and confronting challenges like blame.  As well as men’s issues, executive leadership, depression and anxiety, and life coaching services for individuals and couples residing outside of North Carolina.   If interested in accountability, balanced approach to therapy, and informative approach to attaining your goals or addressing challenges, fill out the contact us form on the following link.

https://www.trueimpactcs.com/forms

Impact and Influence, Travis